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Jul. 8th, 2016

So tired.

I am so tired. I was awake all night thinking about suicide. I should try and stop that.

I tried communicating some of my feelings. </span>

I'm trying to figure out why it bothers me, why it all bothers me, and I think it's down to a couple of things.

1- when you tell me about the sex things you've done, it becomes another vivid visualisation that plays repeatedly in my head, further ammunition for the others to taunt me with, to play on my jealousy. It is constant and unending, and the obsessive nature of it really bothers me, and I'm mostly just trying to push the feeling down, and away. It's not a thing I want to be, I hate that I feel that.

2- I think I have trouble separating sex and emotion. If there's no emotion, then that's one thing, but if there's feelings, then that gets heavily tied up with the physical. Stupid, right? I want to give all of myself to you, and only you. Hearing about the things you've done, whether you're just mentioning in passing, or bragging about things, makes me feel... like somehow that affects the way you feel about me? Like you could love me less because you've done stuff before me? You'd rather be with someone else doing something else, like I'm constantly fucking picturing in my head. I'm trying to make sense of it in my head. I know it's stupid, the past is irrelevant. Why do I feel this way? It shouldn't matter! Stupid feelings, I hate them. They won't go away. I don't like mentioning it because I've mentioned things before, and we've talked about it, and now I'd feel like I'm just repeating myself, like I'm whining about the same petty pointless nonsense over and over.

I love you, you mean everything to me, and that activates all my fears and doubts, and self destructive thoughts, you're the greatest thing and I never want to lose you, which is why I'm trying to voice my stupid thoughts.

I don't know, I'm rubbish at all the sex stuff, nothing but self doubt and neurosis. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm rubbish. I can't express myself properly.

The worst part is that I have no idea if any of these feelings are valid. Like shut up, you're being fucking stupid and have no right to say this shit. I'm probably just a disgusting human being who thinks this way. I'm sorry.

Forever hovering over the send button............. 😰
Oh honey, I really didn't think, I am sorry 😞 Put it this way, you have a past, so do I, I am pretty confident you are not trying to slut shame me, I want you and only you. I cannot change that I have a past, I cannot pretend it does not exist, but I can try not to say things to you that will get to you.
I am sorry it bothers you so much, you are wonderful, I have never been more attracted to anyone in my life and I love you more than anything.
I also have jealousy issues, I am worried that I will start to project them on you at some point 😕 Mine are about physicaly closeness with others, because of my own feelings towards being touched and who can do it.
My past does not affect how I feel about you my love *hugs* does yours affect how you feel about me, I do not think it would.

I do not feel better. I don't think I've explained myelf properly.
There is no catharsis in sharing my thoughts, only shame that I feel and think this way.

And so, I am tired.

Jul. 4th, 2016

Dreams

I remember something of my dreams last night.

The first dream was me feeling scared and upset, and being passed from medical professional to medical professional being told they couldn't help me. Mixed with these events, bombs were falliong on me and I had to seek shelter under things.

The second dream involved climing many stairs with a group of people, then being handed a sheet of paper with writing on it. Before I could read it, we had to go down a long and curly slide. I struggled to read the sheet as we descended, before shoving it in my pocket, when we reached the bottom of the slide, we landed in a swimming pool, which was odd because it was a dry slide.

Jul. 2nd, 2016

Keeping track

It's been a while since I've used this. I've started trying to get help, and I think it would be helpful to keep track of my thoughts and feelings and experiences, for when they ask how I am doing.

So.

Last night's excursion to the pub ended in a tense bus ride home enduring a chorus of "KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL, KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL". I had a breakdown when I got home, I just collapsed on the floor sobbing.

This might have been sparked by a mild disagreement between Ebony and I. It's scary how another person can affect me.

May. 28th, 2012

(no subject)


I find myself wanting affection. *sigh*

Mar. 25th, 2012

(no subject)

For a moment, I was so disgusted at myself that I wanted to bleed, I felt I deserved the hurt. Just a moment, but that's enough, the return of this self-destructive urge after what seems like so long is frankly terrifying.

I'll put it down on this occasion to the alcohol still in my system, and the large amount of anxiety for my (very) significant other. I'm familiar enough with my messed up mind to know what affects these feelings. Don't want to feel bad? Be a better person. Don't drink so much, and be more attentive to your girl.

I have wondered, perhaps I shouldn't get into relationships, I often invest too much in them, I'm positively co-dependant haha, and then when they inevitably go wrong, I crumble with them, my thoughts and feelings all take a dive, and I'm left feeling, well... less than positive. I never mention suicide to people, it's seems dramatic and selfish, but it has crossed my mind a lot in the past. Shh. That seems ridiculous reading it back. Like it's just partners that make me feel that. Ha.

Well people make me hate myself. But this girl doesn't, she is my princess, someone who is actually perfect, and makes me so happy. But there's always these moments, nearly banished, where I don't feel good enough, so completely worthless that I shouldn't even be here. Now I'm rational minded, or at least I like to think I am. I rely on logic, I understand these feelings don't really hold weight, and that I shouldn't pay them attention. 

....



My mind is still muddled, I'm not sure why I'm typing this all out, I thought I was done with this nonsense. Meh. I feel like shit today, all I want is a cuddle from her, to hold her tight and tell her how much I love her. But instead I type out my worries, it kinda helps I guess. I suddenly miss the eloquence I used to have. I'll have to work on that.

Jan. 27th, 2012

alone in the stillness


I hate not being able to sleep properly, I'm always fucking tired, and times like now, where I'm just lying in the darkness by myself, the thoughts and whispers aren't quite as distant as I would like. I don't want to be that way, I make an effort to banish such things, but sometimes, just sometimes, it's a temptation. when I'm lonely, when I'm tired, they're there to prey on me. I just need a cuddle really, I wish she was here. I'll just lie here and stare into the darkness, and hope that it doesn't stare into me back.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

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Jan. 4th, 2012

(no subject)


hallucinations this morning, figures everywhere, watching me, and the world tilting, melting away. I hope this is just because I'm tired, stress doesn't help, I need to calm myself down, need a better mood. I want a hug, I miss her.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

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Dec. 26th, 2011

Holiday Fears

Lovely day yesterday, family times are wonderful, don't get enough of them these days. 

My mood is trying to crash though, I can feel little twinges, tugging away at my smile, uncertainty and loneliness threatening to well up. I'm keeping it under control at the minute, I'd hate to spoil such a lovely season with my messy silliness, I've been doing very well I feel. It'd be nice to have someone around who understands though. I don't talk to anybody any more. I've lost track of who knows what about me, so I just don't mention things at all, nobody likes serious talk anyway, should all be smiles and fun, so I will be.

Looking forward, I can't wait to see her :) though anxiety is creeping in there too finally, still nothing like it used to be, progress, this might just be sensible nerves actually, understandable really, I adore her so <3 Don't mess this up boy!

The thought crosses my mind that I shouldn't get into a relationship, that all the improvement I've made being by myself will come crashing down around me, that *problems* are quite intricately linked with emotions for me, and should I really risk it? Heightened emotional states? It will happen, I feel very strongly for this girl already. I think I will just have to have a bit more faith in myself, I'm better than that now? We'll see, I have lots of hope :) and plenty of faith in her.

Fingers crossed. I believe this will be something amazing <3

Dec. 12th, 2011

(no subject)

Just got a birthday reminder for a friend of mine who died, from an overdose I believe, I lose track, it seems that's the way everyone is dying these days. 

It's put a bit of a gloom on my day.



Let's try and think about other things. Like her :) I wish she were here right now.

Dec. 6th, 2011

Forelsket

I like this word, it seems very apt :)

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